Joy’s Story: Discovering the Freedom of Boundaries
– April 3, 2017 –
Joy* speaks slowly and precisely, expressing herself with courage and compassion. She sports bright fuchsia hair and her brown eyes look directly at you. “I’m trying to be more social,” she says when asked about her goals.
While growing up, Joy moved a lot. Her memories of growing up are rough: addicts for neighbors, cockroaches running across the kitchen floor, a shooting outside the apartment she shared with her mom. Family life was difficult. Her mother was unable to regain custody of Joy’s two brothers, and her abusive father only contacted her “if there was something he could get from me.”
As she grew up, Joy struggled to communicate with people, convinced they didn’t like her or were dangerous. Men especially terrified her after her childhood trauma. “All through my life I’ve gotten this negative feedback, people criticizing me, telling me I’m not any good. I would think ,’I guess no one really likes me.’ Even when you’re little, those are the assumptions you make.” But Joy wanted to overcome these fears.
“All through my life I’ve gotten this negative feedback, people criticizing me, telling me I’m not any good.”
Joy first came to the Coffee Oasis Youth Center in Poulsbo with her mom, who was volunteering there. “I thought it was weird. I wasn’t used to that kind of environment. It was very relaxing, everyone was very kind.” The staff welcomed her, and she began case management with Amber. Amber helped Joy work on ways to go to college and walk through relationship difficulties. Joy was homeless for a while during this time, and Amber helped her reconcile with her family and move back home.
Despite this growth, Joy knew that struggling to communicate with people would hold her back from employment and education opportunities. Last year she completed a job internship, gaining confidence and learning about herself in the process. “I actually learned a lot about myself. I am very hardworking when I am interested in what I am doing. I listen very well and communicate well with whoever is in charge of me.”
This year, Joy joined a horse therapy group led by the new Oasis counselor. Time with her horse Breeze has been transformational in learning boundaries and healthy relationships. A really big thing happened for her during one of the group sessions. “I was able to tell my horse ‘NO’ and really mean it. She hadn’t been listening to me. That was a really hard thing for me to do.”
“I have always thought that I can’t put up boundaries with someone because then they won’t like me.”
Joy draws parallels between her relationship with her horse and her relationships with people. “It was difficult to get comfortable, get close to the horse. It was hard to make boundaries. The number one thing I’m afraid of is hurting people. It’s the worst thing if people don’t like me. I have always thought that I can’t put up boundaries with someone because then they won’t like me. And that is suffocating.”
But in her exercises with Breeze, Joy discovered that Breeze still loved her after she set boundaries. In fact, their relationship was better than before.
Joy continues to be in case management. She and her husband are working towards getting housing, and Joy continues to work on her fears and communication skills so she can get a job.
We are so proud to know and walk with this courageous girl.
*name changed to respect youth’s identity
Leave A Comment